FreeeeDoooooommmmmmm!!!!!!!!

Well Not really. Today I went to court and my lawyer showed up Yay!! I got released from the monitor but all other things remain the same. I can’t go within a mile of my wife and the kids and that is ok except for the kids part. So I am free to roam so I roamed and now I’m bushed. I went to the Masjid, I went to the Movies and saw Eagle Eye. I went to Cold Stone and had some ice cream. I went to the post office and I just relaxed. I went and saw a new lawyer and he looked promising. But I don’t have any money to pay him. So I am off. I will start looking for a job next week. Probably something in security. I would love to do something in computers but hey it is what it is.Maybe if I could find something from 9-5 at night would be great. I could come home and sleep and then go to work. I hope to find something by the end of next week. make dua for me. I’m still working at my other job too so I will be hitting that too. Work any which way but loose I have got to do. Uggh. But hey I won’t have my kids so I really won’t need the sleep. I’ll probably work all month just to pay my rent. Oh well. Well I’m free somewhat and that is all that really matters today.

Peace

Don’t Get Scared Get Mad!!!

The Jews said Never Again. Well Here we are…Again and where are the Jews? Then again they really weren’t in charge in the first place. We are living in serious times, great times. We are living in the times of great potential Islamic glory, Christian glory, Jewish glory, glory in standing out for faith. People like you and me, just ordinary people. Looking to make a change. Doing something, but the first thing that has to be done is that people need to be woken up. People need to know that there is a storm on the horizon and it is not slowing down anytime soon. As information leaks become more problematic to deal with the necessity for immediate and brutal action becomes more and more imminent.

The signs for an American Dictatorship are here and present. There lies a lot of time between here and the time the next president takes office to declare martial law. If martial law is claimed then there lies a very good possibility that we can be stuck with Bush forever. It is not improbable and people I suppose don’t think that this is a very big deal, but there is the problematic looming fact that they want to reduce the worlds population to about 5 million people. That being the case it really won’t matter that you are white, a African American, German, mildly wealthy or anything else. What will matter is that only a few slaves will be needed and the rest due to some fabricated situation can be effectively killed off.

What really scares me is a possible Auschwitz type of situation. There is a large portion of African American Males in the prison system. The prison system is one of the largest growing infrastructures in America. Those people are immobile and vulnerable to mass executions. Prisoners without family or disinterested family can at any time be quietly transferred and never heard of again. There is nothing to say that inceneraries cannot be installed next to the prison to dispose of a surprise biological outbreak.

There are many ways that we can speculate, more like stratagize how the complete seizing of America can take place, but seriously we need to wake up because it will ripple into everyones lives. Everyones lives.

Malcolm X: Ballot or the Bullet

On the precipice of the election I had to post this. All of my parents and African Americans of the older generation wants me to vote for Obama. Honestly I know for a fact that isn’t going to help anything because neither he nor John McCain is actually in charge. The same people are in charge are still in charge and will still be in charge until this experience known of America is long gone. Then everyone who believes they are some how liberated and living in an egalitarian society is fooled and are in fact marching happy headlong into a new kind of hell only to stand up long after it is way too late to finally figure out what is going on.

That is just my opinion. Obama is a strategic move, nothing more, just like 9/11 he will gloss over the eyes of the people.

Fighting Depression

When I got divorced the first time I made an oath to myself to not get depressed. I worked out, did things for myself and hung out with guys from work. I was active in the Muslim community and I had a chance to refocus a lot of negative energy. This time has not been so easy. I am on lock down, my movements are restricted. I can't go to the Masjid. I can't see my kids and I am unhappy in my job. I've been reading and doing projects but I haven't been very successful at getting my mind off of the situation at hand. After the court situation is done it should be much easier to battle the effects of depression. I just need to have a positive attitude. After I can see my kids again things will be better as well.

I know she is an upwardly mobile woman. I just want my kids. She wouldn't have to pay child support. She can keep the taxes. She can keep the houses she can keep my pension she can keep everything I have in this life if she would just give me my kids. I don't want anything but them. She can come and visit them whenever she wants I would never keep them from her. My kids are all I have and care about in this life.

I should have never forced her to take them that weekend. She didn't want them that Sunday, she wasn't prepared for them, she had other plans, but she was telling me one thing and was anxious for me to pick them up again. For 6 years she told everyone that we knew that if there was ever a divorce I would keep my kids, all of them even hers and I will still do that. I just want my kids. They are not a burden and I will gladly wake up at 4 in the morning to take care of them, prepare their lunch and get them out for the day. What does she want me to sacrifice?

With my first wife I was very compassionate, she had gone through a terrible divorce before and we had made agreements that I believed her in. Only to find out later that she lied. However she will have to face Allah for that. She made an oath and I left it at that. Then she turned on her oath so I am very leery about that again. I don't have my children however now so I will have to face that reality. The truth is that the last arrangement that she proposed works for me. It sucks but it is much better than a lot of other arrangements so I am happy with it for now. I hope that it doesn't deteriorate from here though. Insha Allah I will be able to see them at other times outside of this situation. So I will make it. The only thing that I really have to worry about is losing my job. That is the only thing that is a problem. So I need to make a transition from a couple of different states. Married to single, family man to visiting parent, Dual Parent to single-parent changes in life come at us and we have to deal with them.

Depression is a tricky animal, but I have beaten it in the past and I can beat it again. You have to be careful though because the pain that you feel and the reality of a life that you once had can always through you back into full depression. It can be something as small as a call or an email and then life is back in turmoil. Now though is nice, I don't return to it unless I check her blog or the pictures of our life come up on my computer so I just need to take that down. So I am working on that. Soon it is going to all be over. She is willing to just agree so it should go by pretty smoothly. I will beat depression. I will things are going to be good. I just look forward to getting this thing off of my foot now and taking my picture of the Sunset. I will make a day of that. Maybe I will get both sunrise and sunset and make a day of it.

I do have to get out of my room though. That is depressing in and of itself.

I had to post this

The flow is awesome and you just have to appreciate it. Jill Scott and Mos Def.

Ho Hum Moving on…

Fighting depression is a tricky thing. For the last two weeks I was really down. I was really in bad shape. I have to get out of this room. It would be so different if I could leave this stupid room. I have kept myself busy reading and studying what I can, but it is nothing like fresh air. I could only imagine if I actually spent all of this time in jail. And that could still happen I’m not in the clear yet. One minor mishap could land me in the slammer. I always do fine when I know nothing about her, but reflecting on what we had always brings tears. I suppose it is a self induced roller coaster of pain. I suppose people who just burn everything and move on are in much better shape. I had thought I was at that point many times. I suppose my talking about it just exacerbated the pain. Well it took a while but I got the picture. The days will turn to years and years will dull the pain, but those thorns will blow through every once in a while when looking into my childs eyes.

I have no hard feelings. She had to do what she had to do I suppose. But alas I have to pick myself up out of yet another funk and move the hell on. Stop dwelling on the past and get on with my life cause this shiznits has got to stop. So on to activism and Real Estate and getting my stuff onto one plate. The last we spoke I found that she was willing to do an even split and the only thing that we ever were in disagreement with was the visitation/ custody issue. Now I don’t care so we can move on. I’m sorry if my depression caused a little blip on the radar. Life goes on and we will be ok. I fear for my little ones, but that is only natural. I got to keep on keeping on. So enough of my sob stories now on to the things that I really think about, or should think about.

Classic

Watch more Purple Rain videos on AOL Video

Even after all of this my heart still does not care…

You’ll never know how much I really feel for you, and that…….. I love you. Maybe in our next life baby. When she stares at your mouth [ Kiss her ] When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you [ Grab her and dont let go ] When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] When she’s quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ] When she ignores you [ Give her your attention ] When she pulls away [ Pull her back ] When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she’s beautiful ] WHen you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ] When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ] When she’s scared [ Protect her ] When she steals your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night ] When she teases you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ] When she doesn’t answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ] When she looks at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ] When she says that she likes you [she really does more than you can understand] When she grabs at your hands [ Hold her’s and play with her fingers ] When she bumps into you; [ bump into her back and make her laugh ] When she tells you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ] When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ] When she says it’s over [ she still wants you to be hers ] When she reposts this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ] – Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything – When she’s mad hug her tight and don’t let go – When she says she’s ok dont believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she’ll remember you – Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her -Treat her like she’s all that matters to you. – Stay up all night with her when she’s sick. – Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it’s stupid – Give her the world. – Let her wear your clothes -When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her – Let her know she’s important. – Don’t talk about other girls around her – Kiss her in the pouring rain – When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is; “Whose ass am I kicking baby?” If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will : Call you….. Kiss you….. Love you……. Text you……….

When she’s hurt you immeasurably try to understand, When her life is spiraling out of control try to hold her hand, When she lies to hide her shame encourage her to tell the truth so she can heal, When she tries to stuff her feelings draw them out of her, When she rubs her eyebrows raw tell her that everything is going to be okay, When she’s crying uncontrollably tell her everything is going to be alright, When she forces herself to stay awake to talk to you carry her into bed and put her down and then cuddle with her until morning, when she’s gone and fucked the marriage up beyond all get out tell her that you still love her. Tell her that the offer still stands until she’s old and gray.

Speaking from the heart, because it doesn’t give a fuck.

Let’s Just get it over with…

The days and the hours are dwindling down. Hopefully I will get to see my children soon. My Domestic Violence lawyer is a loser or at least not very communicative. I need the divorce to go ahead and go through and I don’t know what is going to happen to my job. The house that she wants is going into foreclosure on the 2nd. I don’t have the money to save it that’s going to go on OUR credit. She said she wanted it and I sent her the bills, but she never paid it so I have been trying to save it the best I can. When the divorce is over she will take over payments but I really don’t see how just like I don’t see how there is going to be any meaningful money left for me or her to pay child support. Which won’t happen right now because neither she nor I can afford it. I posted over a month ago that I was willing to sign whatever so that she can go on and live her life in all of the excitement that it entails. Now she is struggling she says reading her blog, but for the last 6 years of our married life she has told me that I was going to have the kids upon divorce and she just wanted to be able to drop by whenever she wanted to and I was fine with that and I still am. For 6 years all the way up to and after the point that I had come home that was the case. She was leaving me with the kids. She wasn’t going to take them from me. Had I done things differently I would have had a very different life. I think back to if only her apartment had a key, or maybe if I would have just left the babysitter there at the house I wouldn’t be going through this, but Allah has a plan for everything.

I’m not trying to keep the kids from her. I just want my kids that is all that I ever wanted. If I lose my job I will become homeless and just follow her around just so that I can be with them. At the end of the day all of the Stuff in the world doesn’t matter. I don’t want prestige, I don’t want wealth, I don’t even want dignity. I just want my kids. If she wants me to take her back that’s fine. Just give me my kids. She can even keep her coping mechanisms I don’t even care at this point. I just want my kids.

A lot of stuff gets dropped in divorce there are a lot of talks that you could have with your kids that you just can’t have anymore. So I think I will start a blog just for them. I will write for them all of the letters and explain all of the feelings that I have had for them and all of the experiences that I missed. This blog stands as a testimony for them when it gets time for them to read it, but this new blog will be for just them. I think I will do that today.

I miss my kids. If I could have done it all different I would have never left their side. At this point I am just ready to get this over with so that I can get on with life. I had hope, that she would have faced some things, but that never happened so it is what it is. Over. I just want to sign the papers now so we can both move on.

I just want my kids.

Break up Language

My wife wrote me a letter today that was short and sweet and it pretty much said leave me alone forever. You don’t want me or to do anything to make it work again just talk to me about the kids, so long see you bye. I can’t write her back, but I can tell all of you.

Well in all honesty that just isn’t true. I do miss my marriage, I was happy I was whole I was dedicated to living the rest of my life with this person whether or not polygamy ever came into the picture or not. She has done outrageous things to cause me an unmeasurable amount of pain and honestly it would be wise to just walk away, but after all of the pain and all of the lies and all of the backstabbing things and control freak mechanisms that she has extolled to get her way at the end of the day my heart the one that is falling out of my chest, doesn’t really care. That is just to be honest and truthful about the whole situation.

Funny thing love isn’t it? I guess you have to come to a point between sanity of life and the insanity of the relationship and then you have to decide what you are going to do. I haven’t talked much and she hasn’t been patient, but that is fine. I’m not being wishy washy about it. I’m hurt and I definitely don’t want to go through that nonsense again or worse. Maybe this isn’t love at all, maybe it is some kind of dependency like crack or Ice or something much more sinister.

Well to say it out loud, I do love you and I do care, but your coping mechanisms I can’t live with. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my kids and how much I want to be apart of their lives and I don’t think about coming back just so that I can raise them. Women all over the world do it and bear their circumstance. If my kids are really that important to me I should. I know she knew that without my kids there would be no considerations of this nature. No wavering of heart. I wouldn’t think about the greater good of the world, I would just let her enjoy her freedom in peace and let her do whatever it was she really wanted to do with herself and not get in her way and definitely not come between her and her endless amount of friends. However I don’t have my little ones and so I am stuck here in this roller coaster of emotional control. I miss my kids and that is the truth. I miss my marriage too, but in light of the current mountain of facts in front of me and the jarring lies that have been told, I can live without that for the rest of my days, but my kids I cannot live without for another minute. I miss them so much and I can’t bear to be without them any longer. I love my kids.

This divorce game works the same way the world over. Promises are made and then broken and then made again and the distance and the circumstance of life draws the family further and further apart. New opportunities, new duty stations, new relationships all culminate in a further breakdown of a house broken down. We may mean well, but it is the nature of the beast. Maybe I’ll adopt some kids in the future when I get back on my feet. There won’t be a mother to take them away and I can raise them. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my days and become a teacher so that I can watch kids grow and learn. Maybe I’ll become a surrogate parent and raise someone else’s kids so that I can enjoy at least once these precious years. Maybe I will go on craigslist and become a rent-a-dad, but I couldn’t charge. I miss my children, and I don’t want their individuality crushed by this schoolhouse that Rockefeller, Carnegie and JP Morgan built. To turn my kids into drones of a heartless society, constantly looking for the favor of strangers and never once finding themselves a senseless emptiness on the barren wasteland of America. It is happening already as they are imprisoned in the homes of babysitters they don’t know, Schoolhouses that have no outlook for their rich personality. They have been stripped for the first time in their lives the love of a love filled home and I can’t stand it. I miss my kids, and I miss my vision of marriage too. I was completely and utterly fooled. Oblivious to her coping mechanisms in their vast entirety. I was a happy fool and I was completely blind and now that I can see I am forced to weigh the reality of my relationship with the love of my kids and decide where I am to go on from there.