It’s been a long time

I at first was waffling back and forth between Blogger and WordPress. I suppose I stopped blogging because I thought that there were too many eyes in my business and the evil ones were upon me. So I took a hiatus. I don’t really know if I’ll come back fully or not, but we will see. I am heck of busy. So if there’s anybody out there. I’m still here.

I couldn’t sleep

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to read Quran. My goal is to read the whole Quran while I am here at this school. I believe that it is very possible. Today I read:

فَمَا آمَنَ لِمُوسَىٰ إِلَّا ذُرِّيَّةٌ مِّن قَوْمِهِ عَلَىٰ خَوْفٍ مِّن فِرْعَوْنَ وَمَلَئِهِمْ أَن يَفْتِنَهُمْۚ وَإِنَّ فِرْعَوْنَ لَعَالٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَإِنَّهُ لَمِنَ الْمُسْرِفِينَ

But no one believed Moses, except [some] offspring [i.e., youths] among his people,for fear of Pharaoh and his establishment that they would persecute them. And indeed, Pharaoh was haughty within the land, and indeed, he was of the transgressors

Out of Yunus 10:83 and I found that this is primarily situational belief. The Jews were in a desperate state with the persecution of Firaun and so when Musa came with his message it was any relief or possibility of relief from the situation that decided their shift of faith. However as soon as the situation was relieved from them they swiftly reverted back to their previous belief. That which was mainly glorifying and idolizing the Pharonic culture and lifestyle. They were deluded by his wealth and power. His religion and attitude so even though they were free the culture of their religion was manifest. So that had escaped into the prison of their minds.Then what began to come to me was there are several instances in the Quran where situational belief is caused and then explained. Such as Yusef in the Jail and Yunus in the whale and ships out at sea and the mountain being raised over the Jews. All situational belief foundations.

The reality is however that situational belief has no foundation in real faith. It can only serve to purify faith, but it is not useful to the believer if once the situation passes the faith has not developed those things that will sustain the connection to Allah. One must strive to maintain a connection to Allah regardless of what situations are presented to him. I thought this was something that was worth thinking about and sharing.

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How irritating is television?

I’m sitting is the Dr.’s office for a physical and the television is just blaring. I can’t think really with the constant blah, blah, blah good grief. It is the news but it is ridiculous. I actually was trying to read, but that didn’t work. I can’t operate with thAt thing on. I’m so happy I don’t have one.

So I’m here in the bay and life is really coming at me full speed. I’m finding more opportunities to serve. At the same time I am becoming overwhelmed with prioritization and organization. 24 hours in a day is really not enough time in a day to all that i have to get done.

Between work and all of the things that I have to do and with organizing photoshoots and photo projects. Since I’ve started now the ideas have started coming to me. Flowing and overflowing like crazy. It would seem that I can’t do them all, so I pray that the ones that I can do I can do well. It has come that I don’t plan my day, I plan my hour and try to pack as much into that moment as possible. Hopefully I can overcome my ADD. Last night I got a little scatterbrained so I just went to bed. Today I have a portrait shoot. I have another client that I am supposed to be shooting. I have a set to build and I have to talk to people about the Dawah Eid for 2012.

The Dawah Eid every year we as Muslims go about our business doing what we do without inviting anyone to the Deen I feel that the time has come for that to change. As Muslims we have two festivals. Eid al Fitr and Eid al Adha. Eid al Adha the larger Eid I believe is strategically more significant. The Hajj is the largest gathering of human beings on the planet yet most people don’t know what it is all about or even seen it. So now I want to bring that experience to the people. Now people have been coming into Islam without being asked by the Muslims, the time has now come to ask and invite.

When you look around you can really see how much work needs to be done, and that can be daunting. You can’t save every baby lemming but you can save one and that one may make the difference. I think that people really get caught up (i do) on fixing the whole problem, but the whole problem is not the flock, the flock is made up of individual birds. If a cat runs into the mass of birds they will all fly away and the cat becomes overwhelmed but if he focuses on one then he may be successful. This is my lesson to myself and my ideas. Insha Allah I will be able to succeed.

My first photo project is Inspired by Dark Girls a photo expose about being of darker skin in this society and how you are made to feel. I pray that I can do a good job and get it all done before the next showing at F3.

I have so many projects in my head, The homeless, Dark Girls, The Rope project, The Pharoah Conundrum. I believe that it will prove to be a very busy 4 years. I’m looking forward to it.

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Finding My Voice

I’m evolving and turning, growing and coming to the fore. Realizing that life is about giving more than receiving. That I own nothing and owe everything. At this point I am working hard to stay present. I find it strange that it is a conscience effort to remain engaged in small things such as conversations, tasks and other events. To remain involved in the moment that is happening now and not think about the outcome later. I know many people plan for the outcomes in their lives and work hard at it, however I realize that if that were something I would do it would mean that I would live a lifetime in a planned tomorrow and not accomplish anything today.

My photography I want to say something. I want it to change the way the world looks at things. I was talking to a homeless person last night. Katie, her story was that she had abusive parents both mother and father and she was stifled in growth. She felt oppressed so she left and ran away. She hooked up with someone else who wasn’t going anywhere and now she’s pregnant. In two months she will have the baby. Katie is 19 years old. Her story has inspired me to make a photobook “Are you really homeless” that will explore the stories of several homeless persons in and around my circle of influence and then try to get it published. Of course I can publish it myself but I would like to get it out there. Actually I may have to publish it myself, but I feel I need to do it in order to get in touch with myself and become more human. We have a tendency to be antiseptic when it comes to people. Strangers, when we observe them as a group everyone seems so fearfully disconnected, we don’t want to be bothered or played. I find it very curious, perhaps I will make more of an effort to connect with the Strangers that I meet, after all Islam was the stranger and it proved to be a blessing to the world.

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Location:St Andrews Dr,Brentwood,United States

One step forward 2 steps back

So there I sat in the Goodyear place trying to get an alignment and my tires replaced. This should have been an easy breezy thing. The tires were paid for, but it cost another $100 to put them on? Then I needed an alignment another $100, then they told me i need rear shims for the back to be aligned another $225. What It is like $1000 bucks to change the tires on my freaking vehicle? What? Give me a break. I need to pay for business insurance at $235 at the end of the month and renew my vehicle insurance at $443 at the end of the month. I was going to do it this month but this is ridiculous.

Anyways I’ve been in deep contemplative mode. Trying to go vegan and I had a slight relapse over Eid. I haven’t eaten a whole lot of meat. Maybe a couple of slices of chicken and then a little beef for someone’s going away party maybe a fistful altogether so I don’t think I’m doing that bad. I have to start making meals though. I went to a nutritionist and she showed me several meals, But I don’t eat. My biggest meal of the day is breakfast. I don’t do lunch, but I have to stay away from the junk food. I can do it, but I’m a snacker. I will eat cheese though, but mostly almond milk. I bought a vitamix so I think I’m going to buy a nut bag and start making my own.

I’m wondering how I’m going to get my business off the ground out here. I know for sure I’m not charging any Mickey Mouse prices for my photography anymore. My prices will start out at $125 for a 8 x 10 and go up from there.

Eid went well. I’ll post some Eid Pictures later and Eid Mubarak everyone.

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Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Ho No More!!

When I came out here I was depressed, confused and hurt. My ex had promised me my children and then recanted her position. Using them as a tool it would seem, but honestly she is just paranoid and that can be frustrating. To deal with someone who thinks that the world is out to screw them over. It is a terrible existence and I pray that Allah sends on her some peace and happiness. So horrible that I can see now standing on the outside the circle she goes through. No desire to be alone, but can’t trust anyone that she’s with, doomed to start and break relationships until she can get to a place of peace. May Allah strengthen her and bring her Sakina.

About myself I realize that I cannot allow myself to get into relationships, because I care too much and I can’t throw people away. I don’t understand how people can do that. It grates against my heart too much because I wish so much for people. I wish to see them accomplish their goals and I wish that they rise. So readers I haven’t been all over the Bay area screwing the brains out of unsuspecting women with tales of promise and security. I’ve had one relationship. I could have had more but I turned them down. Now the sister that I am involved with is wanting to become Muslim.

I was going to break it off, but a couple of things made me stay. The verse that states 4:19 “… If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.” It was solely because of this piece of verse that I did not end the relationship. I was still and saw the value in the person she was. The more I stayed the more value I saw and I treated her with kindness. I made sure to inform her that I am indeed a polygamist and she stayed so I was like cool. Then I learned the meaning of another verse. 4:129 “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire…”. I met a sister before I left and she makes my heart swim. I love to hear her voice. Interact with her as she goes through her day and send her gifts and I love them both very differently. The latter of course does not want anything to do with polygamy and so for a while I was considering breaking it off with the other one, but I know me and I know I will want polygamy again. I know that I can do it. I just have to live my life in a way that does not contradict my faith in anyway. Having two women is great because you can find balance. What helps me in one relationship helps me in another and vice versa. I find that overall I am more balanced and at peace. However I know that I must come to the table with the latter about my plans and intentions because that is the fairest thing to do. However I don’t want to lose her and that is completely selfish. So I struggle with that everyday.

I’m going through a lot right now and I will try to post more, but my time is limited.

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Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Incubus

n. pl. in·cu·bus·es or in·cu·bi (-b)
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
3. An oppressive or nightmarish burden.

Well I would suppose that my little incubus is more of a possession rather than a terrorizing of women in their sleep. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that my sexual history is quite long with first masturbatory experiences starting at 5 or so. I have experienced this for a great period of my life. Now that I’m older I experience it much less. However when it comes over me it is a powerful experience. It is different from my simple attraction. It comes with force and in waves, hard and pounding sensation of pure unadulterated lust. It is the go ahead deep driving urge for sex. This motherfucker is serious. It scares me sometimes when I am in a flat out heat and want to FUCK not make love, not experience intimacy at all, just FUCK. It is a driving desire whose desire is to experience sweat, and the quivering of legs, and moans. The squeezing of breasts and licking of nipples. It isn’t particular of who and it is a heavy feeling.

Normally I fight it off by staying away from all women. Keeping my distance. Staying in prayer or reading the Quran. Now I’m a sexual person to begin with, but this urge is very different. It is the caller to the bedroom. It possesses me, leads me and drives me to completely and utterly sexually dominate a woman. Until that woman is spent completely. It desires multiple women in a harem or an orgy. Today my visitor came and I have tried to fight him, but alas I am weak.

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Location:Calcot Pl,Oakland,United States

The Ex-factor

So my Ex took back the kids right. Now she plans to move out and live with me. So she first approached me and said that she would like to have me take the kids over winter break so that she could find a new place in Philly or Illinois, then it was can I move in until I find a place and now it is can I stay there for two years while I save up money to go to school. Smile.

So I ask myself how feasible is this really. I live in a one room apartment. We have our history and we will essentially be living separate lives because I’m on course to become married with two beautiful women. Now my ex wants to come and she has plans to go to school and fly “Home” her words every other weekend. Now in women speak what does that really mean? Can I get someone who speaks woman to chime in and translate? So I tell her that the door to reconciliation is closed and is absolutely not going to happen. I’m sure she’ll be half naked most of the time, but that door is closed. Smile.

So I’ve told her hey you can come, but I’m getting married so stay as you will. How did she interpret it, How would you interpret it? Maybe I should say no, but I suppose she took the kids back so that she may have that option, had I had the kids I would have told her absolutely not. I miss my kids, but I suppose that I”m going to have to put my foot down about her jerking my life around by holding my kids by their necks. Well we will see what I decide to do. I’m really just too laid back. Hmmm I have to think about this some more.

It is too bad that I know her, but I pray that she will be well soon.

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Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Ho no More

So there I was in the pit of my dysfunction and I walked this walk to find ou
t that no I’m not a Ho and nor can I be. There is too much lying necessary and too much deceit and I just can’t do that. I enjoy telling the truth, it allows my to live my life de-conflicted. To live your life without conflict is the only way to make progress in this life. So I am falling back on track.

I have learned much in the past 60 days since I got here to California. I’ve learned that what I do in my relationships is what I do in life. Consequently perfecting my relationship with my Creator means that I will perfect my relationships in life. I learned that I am not present and I disengage my feelings for the protection of myself, but in doing so I alienate myself and everyone around me. I have changed my course and charged myself to be present at all times. Just as being present in prayer allows me to become closer to my Lord, being present in the moment allows me to become closer to those whom I’m in a relationship with.

I spent a greater part of my life saying that I don’t care out of the pain of my parents divorce and the manifestation of my social alienation. i said that I don’t care but I longed for the love and support that I could only see from afar. I am now working to nurture my relationships and become more loving and more transparent as an individual and to live my life without conflict so that I can give to everyone what they need within my means to give. So that I can love the women in my life in a manner that they are worthy of. To embark on business ventures so that everyone can receive the most from the transaction.

So I find myself in two relationships, one with the girl that I was going to throw away as a disposable relationship. I have taken pause and listened and I see so much value in her as an individual. Each morning we pray together and also each night. I have shared my religion with her something that I have not done to anyone else. She is very spiritual and she has allowed me to learn quite a bit about myself. She has accepted the fact that I am a polygamist and she loves me just as I am and I am thankful for that so I send my prayers on her.

My first girl is this beautiful Muslim sister that I know and have met from NC and she is my heart. She is an Alfa female and is radiant in her own light. Very cute and dear to my heart. I love her and she is my beloved. She is NOT down with polygamy and I don’t really know how to accept that. I was honest with her and she knows that I’m a polygamist, but is pressuring me to decide which way to go. I told her the truth and then retracted it so that I wouldn’t lose her, but now I am wondering if I should just tell her that I cannot not be a polygamist because I’m so fine with it. At this point of my life and everything that I’ve gone through it is almost as if I feel it is owed to me. So chances are I will go on and do it. I just need to let her know. Even though I don’t want to lose her.

A third girl who has no religion at all I have reconciled to be only friends with. We don’t date, occasionally we go out and talk, but I don’t feel that there can be a foundation without some foundation in God. She’s nice and her story is remarkable. In that she is an inspiration. There has been no talk of romance so I don’t feel that I’m leading her on or anything. I don’t know the laws of women though. Perhaps if I told her that I had two other women that I was considering she may begin to feel some kind of loss. Who knows.

I have a new mantra that I was thinking about putting on a bumper sticker. Do what you love and Invest wisely. It is simple but so true.

Well I’m at work and I need to do some. I hope to blog quite often in the coming weeks. I may buy the season of Sisterwives so that I can see what works and what doesn’t in poly marriages. I’m in Oakland now. Perhaps I’ll put up some pictures of my place when I go home and clean it up a bit. Well until then I will see you all later.

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Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Lying is Dying

Recently I have come into the realization that I am not the person who I am. I am not behaving in character and I am hurting. It hurts to lie to yourself and your Lord. I am all over the place. I recently told the woman that I love the truth about myself and what I have been doing in an effort to grow closer to her. It did not work out so well. When I came out here I told myself that I was going to be a whore and sleep with all kinds of women and live the life. I quickly found out that I can’t I really can’t live that life. Some people can however I can’t. It has nothing about the life that I want to live in it. Embarking on it as a journey was a mistake. I have lost the woman that I love, but even in that I have learned so possibly it is not all in vain. I have grown and I have learned the true nature of what it takes to be a polygamist. Honesty and straightforwardness at all times is of the utmost otherwise you are untrustworthy. You must be very firm and true in word and deed. Lying cannot be tolerated under any circumstance.

When I began on this journey I sought to rack up some disposable relationships however that doesn’t make sense to my soul. So I must drop that platform. What I must do though is seek to become vulnerable in more of my relationships and trust that those relationships will be successful. While I am with the woman that I’m with I keep remembering the ayat you may not want a wife but through that wife receive much good. I don’t know where it is, but it is solidified in my mind. I am a polygamist this is true and I am not going to deny it. It is a lifestyle that I want. I don’t know how it will unfurl into reality, but I know that I must not compromise my beliefs, nor submit to my nafs. So I have come to a cross roads and now I pick up my stick to walk again. I am no longer going to wallow in loss, but cherish what I have learned and seek the blessings that my Lord has set aside for me.

Thus my journey to self discovery begins… Watch me…